A name that lets me make things

At thirteen I picked the username Protagonist.

It’s funny to look back at that. I was quite happy to be the main character inside a game. Putting my own name on something I’d made was harder.

I used to write scripts, make stop-motion films and edit gaming videos. Later I put music on SoundCloud under Millqn. I made an account about stocks under StockSabre and found it much easier to post there. Different names, same person making things.

In a ponder session I said I wished I still had the creative spark. A few questions later I was listing all of that. The spark hadn’t really disappeared. I’d become less comfortable sharing it as myself.

A pseudonym gave me room to try. A bad piece of work could be a bad piece of work. It didn’t feel like an announcement about the whole person. I could make something, see what happened and make another thing without loading every attempt with the question of whether it represented me properly.

That’s an appealing arrangement. It can also become a place to hide. I don’t think I can settle which one it is by staring at the name on the account.

What matters more is whether it lets me make the work.

The advice to build in public under your own name makes sense in a business. People can connect the work to the person. Trust can accumulate in one place. I’m doing that here. I don’t want to dismiss the value because I find some of it uncomfortable.

But creative work doesn’t always begin as evidence for a business. Sometimes I want to make a film because I can picture a scene. Sometimes I like the sound of something and want to see whether I can make it. Asking every attempt to strengthen a public identity is a fairly heavy condition to put on the beginning.

I used to be better at making things before deciding what they said about me. There’s something worth recovering there.

The name can help, but it can’t do everything. A new identity can become another project to prepare: a look, a page, a set of rules, a reason the first piece isn’t ready. If I’m designing the persona instead of making the film, I’ve carried the same problem into a new folder.

So I want a smaller test. Does the name make the next thing easier to finish and share? Does it give me freedom to be a beginner? Am I using it to make work I actually want to make, or to postpone being seen at all?

I don’t need one answer for every part of my life. My coaching can use my name. A creative experiment can have another. Both can be honest if the work is mine and I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not.

I still like the kid who chose Protagonist. He was interested in stories long before he needed a reason to make them useful.

I want to give him something to make again.